My Crystal Ball Is Broken (And My Magic Wand’s Useless Too)
I was watching a programme recently about the woman who used to dress Sarah Ferguson. One of those shows where the story unfolds through other people’s memories, opinions, interpretations. Fascinating stuff… but it got my brain ticking over.
Because while I was watching, one thought kept popping up.
How do they actually know?
We do this all the time as humans. We watch something. We hear part of a story. We observe a relationship. Then our minds start filling in the blanks like an overconfident novelist.
She must have felt this.
He clearly meant that.
They were probably thinking…
Except… were they?
Psychology calls part of this Theory of Mind, our ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling. It’s a brilliant human skill. It helps us empathise, cooperate, connect.
But here’s the tricky bit.
Sometimes we don’t use it to understand people.
We use it to guess people.
And those guesses are usually built from our own experiences, fears, wounds, and assumptions.
In relationships.
In friendships.
In families.
We become mind readers who are working with… very unreliable equipment.
Which is why I often joke with clients about my crystal ball that doesn’t work and my completely lifeless magic wand that I wish did work. Yes, shock horror, i’d love to be able to magic away my clients pain.
Honestly, I’ve tried shaking them. Shouting at them. Stamping my feet and screaming in pure frustration. Nothing.
So if mind reading doesn’t work… what actually does?
Clear, grounded communication.
Questions that aren’t loaded with accusation.
Answers that aren’t wrapped in defence.
Saying what we actually need instead of hoping someone will magically know.
Simple in principle.
Spectacularly difficult in practice.
Many of us were never taught how to do this. Some of us grew up in environments where speaking openly didn’t feel safe. Others didn’t even realise it was allowed to ask directly for what we need.
So we guess.
We assume.
We worry.
We overthink.
And round and round the mind goes.
A lot of what happens in therapy is something people often refer to as reparenting. Not in a dramatic or clinical way, but in a deeply human one.
It’s about learning the things we maybe weren’t shown.
How to sit with feelings.
How to ask questions.
How to listen.
How to understand ourselves without judgement.
And most importantly, how to see things from the client’s perspective, not my own.
Because I’m not them.
Therapy isn’t about me inserting my story into someone else’s life. It’s about stepping into their shoes as carefully as possible and saying:
Help me understand what it’s like to be you.
When someone is met with genuine curiosity, kindness and understanding, something remarkable starts to happen.
The noise quietens.
The anxiety that grows from assumptions begins to soften.
The fear of “getting it wrong” loses its grip.
The embarrassment of not knowing what to say fades.
And shame…
Well, shame, she struggles to survive in the light.
Shame. She thrives in silence, secrecy and assumptions. She needs that dark deep place within us to exist.
When we bring her into a space where someone listens, reflects, and truly sees you?
Shame doesn’t stand much of a chance out here in the sunshine.
Turns out the crystal ball was never needed after all.
Just two humans, being honest.
Stay safe, stay connected & take gentle care
Louise x
If this resonates, you’re not on your own.
Pull up a chair.
I've got you.
If you’re tired of carrying it alone, I’m here.
We can take it at your pace. No pressure. No fixing. Just space to be human.
📧 louisemalyancounselling@gmail.com
🌐 www.wildfirecounsellingtherapy.co.uk
Free, no-obligation intro chat, just to see if we’re the right fit.
