The Guilt Gap (or… why I thought I was failing everyone when actually I wasn’t)

Reading Steven Bartlett post got me thinking….

I wasn’t on a plane across five continents.

But I have had those days, and weeks, where life feels just as full, just as pulled in every direction.

Work.

Clients.

Family.

My husband.

My children.

The dogs.

The house.

Myself (somewhere in there… supposedly).

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, that familiar feeling creeps in.

Guilt.

Not just a little bit either, the layered kind.

The “I haven’t replied to that message.”

The “I should have called.”

The “I’ve not been present enough.”

The “I said I’d do that and I haven’t.”

The “shit, I didnt blog last week.”

The “I’m doing well in one area but dropping the ball in another.”

And if you’ve got ADHD like me, that guilt can get amplified.

Because when I lock into something, work, writing, creating, supporting clients, I lock in.

Everything else goes quiet.

Not because I don’t care.

Not because it doesn’t matter.

But because my brain has gone, “Right, this is the thing now.”

And everything else gets muted until something, or someone, brings it back into focus.

Which can often look like:

“Why haven’t you replied?”

“You’ve gone quiet.”

“Are you okay?”

Cue… more guilt.

I started really thinking about this recently.

Because how is it possible to be doing meaningful work, showing up for people, building a life you care about…

And still feel like you’re somehow failing at it?

Part of it, I think, is that we’re trying to meet expectations that don’t actually exist in the way we think they do.

We carry this invisible pressure to be everything, all at once, at 100%.

Present partner.

Available mum.

Reliable friend.

Consistent professional.

Organised human.

Self-care guru who drinks water and stretches daily (I mean… let’s not get carried away).

It’s too much.

And when everything feels like it needs 100%, we end up feeling like we’re giving 50% everywhere.

Which then feeds the guilt.

But here’s something I’ve been gently learning, and it’s changed things for me.

There’s often a gap between what people actually need from us… and what we think they need from us.

I call it the guilt gap.

For example, I might think:

“I haven’t spent enough time with my husband.”

When actually, what he needs is connection, not hours of perfectly planned time.

A chat.

A laugh.

A moment of being together.

I might think:

“I haven’t been a good enough friend.”

When actually, what matters is a message that says, “I’m thinking of you.”

Not a three-hour catch-up I’ve been putting off because I can’t find the “perfect” time.

Same with family.

Same with myself.

And this is something I talk about in therapy a lot too.

Because many of us are holding ourselves to standards that are not only unrealistic, they’re unnecessary.

When we strip it back, what people often need is much simpler.

Consistency over perfection.

Connection over quantity.

Presence over pressure.

And when we understand that, something shifts.

The guilt softens.

We stop avoiding things because they feel too big.

And we start doing the small things that actually matter.

A message.

A check-in.

A cup of tea together.

A moment of eye contact.

Those “little” things are often the big things.

And this isn’t about lowering standards or not caring.

It’s about being realistic.

Human.

Kind to ourselves.

Because the truth is, life isn’t lived in neat boxes.

It’s messy.

It overlaps.

It pulls us in different directions.

And we’re allowed to navigate that imperfectly.

So these days, I try to ask myself:

What actually matters here?

What does this person really need from me?

What do I need?

Not the 100% version.

The real version.

And more often than not… it’s less than I thought.

Which means I can actually show up more.

Less guilt.

More presence.

And a lot more breathing space in between.

If you relate to this, you’re not alone.

And you’re probably doing better than you think.

Stay safe, stay connected, take gentle care

Louise x

If this resonates, you’re not on your own.

Pull up a chair.

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If you’re tired of carrying it alone, I’m here.

We can take it at your pace. No pressure. No fixing. Just space to be human.

📧 louisemalyancounselling@gmail.com

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Link to Steven Bartlett’s mentioned post - https://www.facebook.com/share/1E6LVDRB5h/?mibextid=wwXIfr