When Your Body Has Been Holding the Story & then perimenopause hits 🙄

23 Feb

Written By Louise Malyan

For years I lived in a body that hurt.

Tight shoulders.

Clenched jaw.

An aching back with no injury behind it.

Exhaustion that sleep didn’t fix.

Pain that moved around like it had a mind of its own.

At one point I was given labels, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue. And I’m not dismissing those diagnoses. They are very real for many people. But what nobody explained to me was this:

Your body can hold stress & trauma for years.

Nobody told me my shoulders weren’t just “bad posture.”

Nobody said my jaw pain might be trapped tension, not just TMJ.

Nobody asked what I had lived through.

When we experience trauma, whether it’s one big event or years of smaller relational wounds, the nervous system adapts. It braces. It armours. Muscles tighten to protect vital organs. Breath becomes shallow. The body stays slightly on guard.

That’s useful when you’re surviving.

It’s exhausting when you’re safe but your body hasn’t realised it yet.

A fantastic doctor pointed me to the book by Bessel van de Kolk - the body keeps the score and then Therapy. With a therapist who I gelled with. Quite simply changed my life.

It all changed that for me. Not overnight. Not in some dramatic cinematic breakthrough. But slowly. By learning to notice what was underneath the pain.

Tight shoulders? Often anxiety or responsibility I was carrying.

Clenched jaw? Words unsaid. Anger swallowed.

Back pain? Bracing. Holding it all together.

When I started to process what had happened to me, properly, safely, my body began to soften. The pain didn’t magically disappear, but it made sense. And when something flares now, I don’t panic. I ask: what’s happening? What am I holding?

Then I know what I need to do. Rest. Move. Breathe differently. Talk. Get support.

That knowledge is life changing.

And then, just as I felt like I’d figured my body out… menopause arrived.

Hot flushes in the middle of sessions.

Brain fog so thick I’d lose words mid-sentence.

Memory glitches that made me question myself.

ADHD symptoms dialled up to full volume.

Exhaustion followed by bursts of electric energy at midnight.

Nobody really talks about this properly.

The body changes. The intimate parts change. Sleep changes. Libido changes. Mood shifts. Confidence wobbles. And if, like me, your mum was the person you’d have asked about all of this, and she’s no longer here, there’s a particular kind of loneliness in that.

You can have friends. A partner. A whole support network. But there is something about wanting your mum in those moments. Wanting to ask, “Is this normal?” Wanting reassurance from the person who once knew your body before you did.

Men don’t always know what’s happening either. They can feel confused, shut out, worried they’ve done something wrong. Nobody hands them a manual. So couples can find themselves navigating something huge in silence.

We need to talk about it more.

We also need to take the shame out of it.

Hormones shift the brain as well as the body. Oestrogen plays a role in attention, memory, mood regulation. When it fluctuates, ADHD can feel worse. Brain fog becomes real. You can feel sharp one minute and completely scattered the next.

I went through a phase of buying every supplement under the sun. Trial and error. Hoping one magic vitamin would fix it all. Then someone gently reminded me: you can go to your GP. You can ask for blood tests. You can look at HRT options. You don’t have to self-manage in the dark.

So I’ve booked an appointment. Three weeks to wait. I’m not entirely sure what they’ll suggest. But even taking that step feels empowering.

Here’s what I want you to know if any of this sounds familiar:

You are not dramatic.

You are not lazy.

You are not “losing it.”

Your body is communicating.

Therapy can help you understand what it’s saying.

Not in a mystical way. In a grounded, practical, relational way. We explore stress patterns. Trauma responses. Life transitions. Identity shifts. We create space to talk about the intimate, awkward, uncomfortable bits without shame.

Because this is life.

Bodies change. Hormones shift. Grief resurfaces. Old trauma can reawaken during big transitions like menopause. ADHD traits can amplify. Sleep disruption alone can make you feel like a different person.

When we don’t understand what’s happening, we turn it inward. We assume we’re failing.

When we do understand, something softens.

Being authentic in my body now feels different. I move more freely. I notice when I’m clenching and I release. I recognise when overwhelm is hormonal, when it’s trauma, when it’s lack of sleep, when it’s too much on my plate.

Awareness doesn’t remove everything. But it gives choice.

And once you have choice, you’re not trapped in it anymore.

If you’re navigating unexplained pain, hormonal shifts, worsening ADHD symptoms, grief, or the strange loneliness of midlife changes, you are not alone in that.

Let’s talk about it.

Let’s bring it into the room.

Let’s take the shame out.

Your body has been carrying you for years.

It deserves to be listened to.

Stay safe. Stay connected. Take gentle care,

Louise x

If this resonates, you’re not on your own.

Pull up a chair.

I've got you. If you’re tired of carrying it alone, I’m here.

We can take it at your pace. No pressure. No fixing. Just space to be human.

Take gentle care,