When the Child Part Is Driving the Adult
There’s a side of a communication pattern that’s uncomfortable to look at, especially if you’re the one living inside it.
Not the people “on the receiving end”.
The person doing it.
The one who explodes.
The one who says things they don’t truly mean.
The one who feels justified in the moment, then confused, ashamed, or misunderstood afterwards.
The one who genuinely believes the world is against them.
This isn’t about being cruel.
It’s about being activated.
When early emotional needs weren’t met, not consistently, not safely, not reliably, the nervous system doesn’t grow out of that hunger. It carries it forward.
So as an adult, when something touches that original wound, the response doesn’t come from your adult self.
It comes from the child who was:
ignored
dismissed
blamed
abandoned emotionally or physically
expected to cope alone
loved conditionally
punished for having needs
That child doesn’t know how to ask.
They only know how to react.
So when a partner sets a boundary, disagrees, needs space, or simply can’t meet an emotional demand, it doesn’t feel like a normal adult interaction.
It feels like:
rejection
abandonment
betrayal
proof you don’t matter
And that’s when the defence kicks in.
The explosion
The words come out sharp.
Accusations fly.
Old scores get dragged in.
The aim isn’t connection, it’s relief.
Sometimes there’s a childlike urge to hurt the other person back.
Not because you want to destroy them, but because pain wants company.
Afterwards, many people say:
“I didn’t mean it.”
“That’s not how I really feel.”
“I was just angry.”
“They shouldn’t take it so seriously.”
However, impact doesn’t disappear just because intention wasn’t there.
And this is where relationships fracture.
Why boundaries feel unbearable
For someone with unmet childhood needs, boundaries don’t feel neutral.
They feel cruel.
A boundary sounds like:
“You’re on your own.”
“You don’t matter.”
“Your needs are too much.”
“You’re being left again.”
So instead of hearing:
“I need space”
“I can’t do that”
“This isn’t okay for me”
The nervous system hears:
“You are not loved.”
And the response is protection defensiveness, blame, control, withdrawal, or attack.
How this shows up with your children
This is where it gets even more tangled.
Many people with this wound over-identify with their children.
They protect fiercely.
They excuse behaviour.
They struggle to tolerate anyone else setting limits with their child.
Because when someone corrects the child, the adult’s own inner child feels criticised.
So it becomes:
“My child is being attacked”
“my parenting is being attacked”
“you are jealous of my child”
rather than
“My child is being guided.”
“My partner has needs”
“My partner is expressing themself”
Boundaries feel like rejection again.
Over time, this can lead to:
children who struggle with limits
children who control the emotional climate
children who learn to play adults against each other
fractures in blended families
resentment, exhaustion, and confusion in partners
Children who learn to manipulate
Children who struggle to maintain friendships & relationships
Children unable to take accountability- its always someone else’s fault
Children who cannot empathise
None of this comes from bad intentions.
It comes from unresolved pain driving the wheel.
The cost….
to you and to others
Living like this is exhausting.
Always scanning for threat.
Always defending.
Always feeling misunderstood.
Always waiting for people to finally prove they care “enough”.
Feeling that everyone else is the problem.
Trying to force a partner to change to meet your needs.
Relationships don’t feel safe, they feel high stakes.
And the tragic part?
No partner, friend, or child can ever meet the need your inner child is carrying.
That’s not because they’re failing.
It’s because that need belongs to the past.
What healing actually looks like
Healing doesn’t mean never being triggered.
It means recognising who is reacting.
It means learning to pause long enough to ask:
“How old does this part of me feel right now?”
It means separating:
adult needs from child wounds
boundaries from abandonment
disagreement from rejection
It means learning that:
Feeling hurt ≠ being harmed
Feeling disappointed ≠ being unloved
And most importantly:
It means taking responsibility without drowning in shame.
You can understand where your reactions come from and still own their impact.
Why therapy helps, when it’s done properly
This work isn’t about blame.
It’s about integration.
In therapy, we don’t silence the child part.
We listen, without letting it run the show.
We build:
emotional regulation
tolerance for boundaries
the ability to hold two perspectives at once
repair instead of rupture
safety inside, not demanded outside
So relationships stop feeling like battlegrounds.
And start feeling like places you can breathe.
If this felt uncomfortably familiar
That doesn’t make you bad.
It makes you human,
with old wounds still asking to be seen.
You are not broken.
But you might be bleeding into places that matter.
And that can change.
Relationships can heal & be beautiful.
We can feel loved, respected and committed.
We can communicate without triggers.
I work with this exact dynamic, gently, honestly, and without judgement.
I work with the person behind the reaction, not a diagnosis.
🌐 www.wildfirecounsellingtherapy.co.uk
📧 louisemalyancounselling@gmail.com
Free, no-obligation intro chat just to see if we’re the right fit.
Awareness is not an accusation.
It’s an invitation.
