ADHD Awareness Month, Day Five: Injustice, ADHD and Being Like a Dog With a Bone 🐶

Or how a parking fine at Gatwick Airport has taken up far more space in my head than it deserves! 😂

There’s something you should probably know about me.

If something feels unfair, I can become like a dog with a bone.

And I mean a proper dog with a bone.

Not a little nibble and then wander off.

I’m talking about holding on, chewing it over, putting it down for approximately three seconds, picking it back up and starting all over again.

Sound familiar?

Because one of the things I’ve noticed about my ADHD is how difficult it can sometimes be to let something go when I feel there’s been an injustice.

And it doesn’t necessarily have to be something enormous.

Sometimes it’s something quite ordinary.

Like a parking fine.

At Gatwick Airport.

Oh, don’t get me started.

Actually, too late. You’ve started me now. 😂

Let me tell you about the parking fine

We recently parked at Gatwick Airport and had booked meet-and-greet parking.

All organised.

All paid for.

Lovely.

Except we then received a parking charge for driving through an area on the way to the meet-and-greet service.

Now, from what I’ve read in the terms and conditions, that journey through the area is permitted as part of the service we’d already paid for.

So naturally, I want to get it sorted.

Except sorting it involves trying to get through on the phone, waiting around, spending ages trying to find the right person and explaining what’s happened.

And I haven’t managed to resolve it yet.

Which means it’s sitting there.

Unfinished.

Unresolved.

And, in my view, unfair.

Now, logically, I know this is a parking charge.

Nobody’s life is depending on me sorting it out today.

There are other things I could be doing.

Things I’d probably enjoy considerably more.

Yet my brain keeps wandering back to it.

Why should we have to pay for something that’s included?

Why should I spend hours trying to sort out somebody else’s mistake?

What if I forget and the charge increases?

Why is it so difficult to speak to an actual human being?

And then I start rehearsing the conversation I’m going to have.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Honestly, if I could invoice for the amount of time I’ve spent having imaginary conversations with Gatwick Airport, I’d probably have paid for another holiday by now. 😂

It’s not always about the parking fine

Here’s the interesting bit.

For me, the intensity isn’t necessarily about the money.

It’s about the unfairness.

The principle.

The feeling that something isn’t right and somebody needs to put it right.

And I know I’m not alone in that.

Some people with ADHD describe having a particularly strong emotional response to perceived injustice.

That doesn’t mean everybody with ADHD experiences it, or that it’s a separate diagnostic symptom.

And of course, people without ADHD can feel exactly the same way.

I think it’s important that we don’t turn every human experience into an ADHD trait.

Yet ADHD can involve difficulties with emotional regulation, shifting attention and disengaging from thoughts or activities.

And when something has really caught our attention, particularly something emotionally charged, moving away from it can feel incredibly difficult.

It’s almost as though my brain has decided:

THIS IS IMPORTANT. WE ARE NOT FINISHED HERE.

Even when I’ve got absolutely no way of resolving it at that particular moment.

When your brain won’t switch off

Have you ever had an argument with somebody and then spent the next six hours replaying it?

Thinking about what you should have said?

Wondering whether they understood your point?

Imagining the next conversation?

Or perhaps you’ve witnessed somebody being treated unfairly.

Something has happened at work.

You’ve been misunderstood.

Somebody has made an accusation you know isn’t true.

You’ve seen somebody being bullied or taken advantage of.

And you cannot seem to put it down.

You might be cooking dinner, walking the dog or trying to watch television.

And there it is again.

The same conversation.

The same frustration.

The same feeling.

Sometimes it’s exhausting.

And sometimes the more we tell ourselves to stop thinking about it, the louder it seems to become.

Because knowing something isn’t helpful to keep thinking about doesn’t automatically mean we can stop thinking about it.

I think that’s something people don’t always understand.

They might say:

“Forget about it.”

“It’s not worth getting upset over.”

“Let it go.”

And perhaps they’re trying to help.

Yet when something has got its hooks into your brain, being told to let it go can feel about as useful as being told to stop having ADHD.

If only it were that simple.

There’s a difference between caring and being consumed

I want to make something clear here.

I don’t think having a strong sense of fairness is a bad thing.

Actually, I rather like that part of myself.

I care when people are treated badly.

I care about people being heard.

I care about honesty, accountability and doing the right thing.

Those values have shaped a lot of my life and the work I do.

And I wouldn’t want to lose them.

The difficulty comes when something I care about starts taking more from me than I want to give it.

When I’m spending my evening mentally arguing with somebody who isn’t even in the room.

When I’m distracted from things I enjoy.

When I can’t concentrate because I’m thinking about what happened.

When I’m lying in bed rehearsing what I’m going to say tomorrow.

Or when I’m so caught up in proving a point that I’ve forgotten to look after myself.

That’s when I need to get curious.

Not about whether I should care.

About how much of myself I’m giving to something I can’t resolve right now.

So how do I work through it?

Well, firstly, I don’t always get it right.

Sometimes I absolutely do become that dog with a bone.

And sometimes I need to recognise that I’ve picked the bone up again.

That’s part of the work.

Over the years, through my own therapy, personal experiences and professional learning, I’ve discovered different things that can help.

And I think that’s the important bit.

There isn’t one magical technique that works for everybody.

Sometimes even the things that usually help us don’t work particularly well.

So we experiment.

We get curious.

And we build up a few options.

1. Talk it through with somebody who gets it

Sometimes I need to say the whole thing out loud.

Not because I want somebody to fix it.

And not necessarily because I need them to agree with me.

I need to get it out of my head.

To hear myself explaining it.

To work out what’s actually happened, what I’m feeling and what I can do about it.

Having a friend who can listen without immediately telling you to calm down can be incredibly valuable.

And sometimes that friend might gently say:

“Louise, I think you’ve given this enough of your evening now.”

And because I trust them, I might actually listen.

Eventually. 😂

2. Write it down

This can be really helpful when my brain keeps going round in circles.

I might write down:

What actually happened?

What am I telling myself about it?

What am I feeling?

What is within my control?

What isn’t?

What, if anything, needs doing next?

With the parking charge, for example, I can gather the booking confirmation, keep the relevant terms and conditions and make a plan to challenge the charge.

That’s something practical.

Rehearsing an imaginary argument at 11 o’clock at night?

Not quite so useful.

And writing things down means I don’t have to keep mentally reminding myself of everything because I’m frightened I’ll forget.

3. Doodle, colour or make something

You knew colouring was going to make an appearance, didn’t you? 😂

I love colouring.

And sometimes having something to do with my hands helps me shift my attention away from the endless mental conversation.

I might colour.

Doodle.

Experiment with my pens.

Make something.

Sometimes I choose colours that reflect how I’m feeling.

Other times I simply want to colour a little frog and not think about anything particularly deep.

Both are fine.

The important thing is that I’m giving myself another place to put my attention.

4. Get moving

Walking the dogs is another one for me.

Getting outside.

Changing my surroundings.

Noticing what’s happening around me.

Watching the dogs being dogs.

Sometimes I find that moving helps me process what I’m thinking about.

Other times I need the walk to be a complete break from it.

And occasionally I spend the first ten minutes mentally arguing with the parking company while the dogs are having a lovely time.

That’s okay too.

I can notice it and gently bring my attention back to where I am.

5. Breathe and notice what’s happening in my body

When I’m really wound up about something, I sometimes notice that I’m physically tense.

My shoulders are up.

My jaw is tight.

My breathing feels different.

I’m ready for an argument that isn’t actually happening.

Sometimes placing my hand in the centre of my chest, skin to skin contact and just breathing and noticing. Another is slowing my breathing, lengthening my exhale if it feels comfortable, or simply noticing my feet on the floor can help me settle.

Not because breathing exercises magically solve injustice.

They don’t.

And they aren’t comfortable or helpful for everybody.

They’re simply one possible way of helping my body recognise that I don’t need to fight this particular battle at this exact moment.

6. Sometimes I need a good shout!

And I don’t mean shouting at another person.

I mean finding a safe, private way to express the frustration.

Sometimes that’s talking loudly to myself.

Sometimes it’s singing at the top of my voice.

Sometimes it’s having a good rant to somebody who’s happy to listen.

Sometimes it’s writing an absolutely furious letter that I have no intention of sending.

There are lots of ways to express anger without directing it at somebody else or causing harm.

Because anger itself isn’t wrong.

It’s an emotion.

What we do with it matters.

And sometimes we need to take action

I don’t want this blog to suggest that the answer to injustice is to breathe, colour a picture and accept it.

Absolutely not.

Sometimes something genuinely needs challenging.

Sometimes we need to make a complaint.

Set a boundary.

Speak up.

Ask questions.

Seek advice.

Or take action to protect ourselves or somebody else.

The important thing, for me, is learning to recognise the difference between taking action and being stuck in the emotional loop.

With the parking fine, I can take the appropriate steps to dispute it.

I can set aside some time to deal with it.

And when I’ve done what I can for that day, I can practise putting it down.

That doesn’t mean I’m agreeing with the charge.

It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring.

It means I’m choosing not to let it occupy every spare moment of my day.

And believe me, that’s something I still have to work at.

What if the injustice is much bigger than a parking fine?

Of course, some experiences are far more serious.

Being bullied.

Experiencing discrimination.

Being betrayed.

Having somebody abuse your trust.

Being treated unfairly by an organisation or somebody who held power over you.

Sometimes the consequences are life-changing.

And sometimes there isn’t an apology.

There isn’t accountability.

There isn’t the outcome you deserve.

I think we have to be careful about telling people they need to forgive, move on or let things go.

Because that can feel like another injustice in itself.

You can work towards finding some peace without deciding that what happened was okay.

And you can choose how much energy to give something without pretending it didn’t matter.

For some people, that takes time.

For others, it involves grief, anger, support, boundaries or difficult decisions.

And sometimes it’s something we explore in therapy.

What does this look like in the therapy room?

One of the things I enjoy about working with people is exploring what’s underneath the reaction.

Because two people can experience something similar and respond very differently.

One person might shrug off an unfair parking charge.

Another might feel furious.

Another might feel anxious about the money.

Another might feel frightened about getting into trouble.

And somebody else might find it brings back memories of not being believed, being blamed or having no control.

That’s why I don’t think simply telling somebody they’re overreacting is particularly helpful.

I’d rather get curious.

What’s happening for you?

What does this situation mean to you?

What feels most difficult?

Is there something familiar about this feeling?

What do you need right now?

And what might help you move through it without dismissing what’s important to you?

Sometimes we’ll talk.

Sometimes we’ll use creative approaches.

Sometimes we’ll look at practical ways to manage repetitive thoughts, emotional overwhelm or the things that keep triggering those old feelings.

And sometimes we’ll explore whether there’s something that needs changing in your life rather than simply finding ways to tolerate it.

Because therapy isn’t about teaching people to accept being treated badly.

It’s about helping them understand themselves, recognise their choices and find ways forward that work for them.

So, back to Gatwick Airport…

The parking charge is still waiting to be resolved.

I still think it’s unfair.

I still intend to challenge it.

And yes, I’m still slightly irritated about the whole thing. 😂

Yet writing this blog has actually helped me process some of that frustration.

I’ve taken something that’s been going round in my head and put it into words.

I’ve recognised why it’s bothering me.

I’ve reminded myself what I can do about it.

And now I can go and do something else.

Probably some colouring.

Or walk the dogs.

Or both.

Because I don’t need to spend the rest of today mentally standing in a car park at Gatwick Airport.

I can care about something without giving it every bit of my attention.

And that’s something I’m still learning.

Perhaps you are too.

So if you’re somebody who struggles to let things go, particularly when something feels unfair, I’d love you to think about this:

What helps you put the bone down for a little while?

Not forever.

Not because the situation doesn’t matter.

Simply long enough to give yourself some breathing space.

And if you’re struggling to find ways of managing those feelings, that’s something we can explore together.

Take gentle care,
Louise x

I’m Louise, a psychotherapist, counsellor and ADHD coach who works a little differently from traditional talking therapy.

I offer a free 15–20 minute WhatsApp video introductory call, so you can meet me, ask questions and see whether I might be your person.

Wildfire Counselling & Therapy

🌿 wildfirecounsellingtherapy.co.uk
📧 louisemalyancounselling@gmail.com
📱 WhatsApp: 07540 843727