ADHD, Therapy and the Need for Answers: Why “Just Because” Doesn’t Cut It

Why solution-focused therapy can be a breath of fresh air for ADHD brains, and why the right therapist makes all the difference.

“I don’t know. It just is.”

Oh, those words.

If you’ve got ADHD, there’s a good chance you’ve spent a fair bit of your life asking WHY.

Why does that happen? Why do I feel like this? Why can’t I do something that everyone else seems to manage? Why did they say that? Why does my brain do that? Why, why, WHY?

And then someone gives you the answer…

“Just because.”

Well, that’s helpful, isn’t it? 🤣

For many of us with ADHD, an explanation isn’t some unnecessary extra. It’s how we make sense of things.

We’re not necessarily questioning your authority, challenging everything you say or deliberately being difficult.

We want to understand.

And sometimes, understanding is the very thing that helps us move forward.

Of course, not every person with ADHD experiences this in the same way. We’re not all carbon copies of one another. Although wouldn’t that make life easier for the people trying to write instruction manuals about us?

Sometimes I don’t want to explore my feelings for another six weeks. I want to know what I can DO!

Now, before anyone comes for me, I’m a therapist. I absolutely believe in exploring emotions, experiences, relationships, trauma and the things that have shaped us.

It’s a huge part of my work.

And sometimes?

People want a bloody solution.

They’ve spent years understanding that they’re overwhelmed, struggling with motivation, feeling rejected, procrastinating, overthinking or constantly running late.

They know they’re doing it.

They know how it feels.

They may even know where some of it comes from.

What they don’t know is how to make tomorrow a little easier than today.

And that’s where solution-focused approaches can be incredibly helpful.

Rather than spending every session exploring why something is happening, we can also ask:

• What would you like to be different?

• What’s already working, even a tiny bit?

• What gets in the way?

• What have you tried?

• What would make this feel more manageable?

• What’s one small thing we could experiment with?

Notice I said experiment.

Because I’m not particularly interested in giving someone another list of things they should be doing.

Chances are, they’ve already got enough of those.

“Louise, can you tell me what to do?”

I get asked this.

And I understand why.

When your brain feels like it’s got 47 tabs open, three playing music, one frozen and absolutely no idea where the noise is coming from, someone offering a clear answer can feel like heaven.

I often tell my clients:

“I haven’t got a crystal ball or a magic wand. I’d absolutely love both, mind you!”

I can’t magically fix everything. I can’t predict the future. And I’m not going to pretend I know your life better than you do.

What I can do is sit alongside you and help you work things out.

We can look at options, talk through possible consequences, explore what matters to you and break something enormous into smaller, achievable pieces.

I can answer questions where I have the knowledge to do so. I can offer explanations, share ideas, bring some psychoeducation into the room and help you understand what’s happening.

I can also say, “I don’t know, shall we explore that?”

Therapy doesn’t have to be an endless series of questions answered with more questions.

Sometimes information is useful.

Sometimes practical support is useful.

Sometimes hearing “That makes sense, and here’s why” is exactly what someone needs.

And sometimes we need to sit with something painful that doesn’t have a neat solution.

There’s room for all of it.

ADHD brains and the problem with unrealistic solutions

Here’s something I think gets missed far too often.

A solution is only useful if it’s actually achievable for the person who’s going to use it.

“Get yourself into a routine.”

“Make a list.”

“Use a planner.”

“Set an alarm.”

“Try harder to concentrate.”

No shit Sherlock, marvellous. Why didn’t I think of that? 🙄

Now, lists, planners, alarms and routines can be brilliant tools.

I use them myself.

The difficulty comes when they’re presented as universal solutions, without any curiosity about why they haven’t worked before.

Perhaps you’ve bought seventeen planners because you genuinely believed THIS one would change your life.

Perhaps you’ve set alarms and become so used to them going off that they’re now part of the background noise.

Perhaps you’ve created a beautiful colour-coded timetable, followed it for two days and then completely forgotten it existed.

Sound familiar?

That doesn’t automatically mean you’re lazy, unmotivated or unwilling to change.

It might mean the strategy isn’t right for you.

So instead of telling you to try harder, I’d rather explore what’s happening.

Does the task feel too big?

Is there too much choice?

Are you struggling to get started?

Is the environment distracting?

Does the system rely on remembering something at exactly the wrong moment?

Are you exhausted from trying to keep up?

We need to understand the obstacle before deciding which solution might help.

And sometimes the solution isn’t another tool.

It’s reducing expectations, asking for support, changing the environment or recognising that what you’re trying to achieve isn’t realistic right now.

Why therapy itself can be frustrating when you’ve got ADHD

Let’s talk about this, because therapy isn’t automatically ADHD-friendly simply because it’s therapy.

Imagine finally plucking up the courage to book an appointment.

You’ve got a thousand things going round your head. You’ve rehearsed what you want to say. You’ve probably forgotten half of it by the time you sit down.

You start talking.

Then you go off on a tangent.

Then you remember something else.

Then you interrupt yourself because you’ve suddenly made a connection.

Then you forget the original question.

And now you’re apologising.

Again.

Or perhaps you’ve been asked how something made you feel, and you genuinely don’t know.

You know something happened. You know you reacted. You might be able to explain every detail of the event.

Putting a name to the feeling? That’s another matter entirely.

Some people with ADHD also find it difficult to retrieve information on demand, process an unexpected question or recognise what’s happening emotionally in the moment.

And then there’s the therapist who sits silently, waiting.

For some people, that space is wonderful.

For others, it’s excruciating.

Am I supposed to say something? Have I said something wrong? Are they judging me? What’s happening?

Suddenly you’re spending more energy trying to work out how to do therapy correctly than actually benefiting from it.

Therapy should not feel like another place where you’re failing to meet somebody else’s expectations.

That’s not to say therapy should always feel comfortable. Sometimes meaningful work is uncomfortable.

There’s a difference between being gently challenged and feeling repeatedly misunderstood.

“Can you explain why we’re doing this?”

YES!

Please ask.

I love curiosity in the therapy room.

If I suggest an activity, introduce an idea or ask a particular question, you’re absolutely welcome to ask why.

What are we hoping to achieve?

How might this help?

What if I don’t understand?

What if I don’t want to do it?

What if I think it’s a load of rubbish?

We can talk about that too.

For some ADHD clients, knowing the purpose behind something can make it much easier to engage with it.

And if something isn’t working, I want to know.

I don’t need you to agree with me.

I need us to be able to work together.

Solution-focused doesn’t mean ignoring the past

This is important.

I’m an integrative therapist. I work with trauma, relationships, addiction, self-worth, ADHD and all sorts of complicated human experiences.

I’m also someone with lived experience.

I know that you can’t necessarily solve years of shame, trauma or feeling different by creating a to-do list and setting yourself three goals.

That would be ridiculous.

Sometimes we need to explore where a belief came from.

Sometimes we need to understand why rejection feels unbearable, why conflict sends us into a spiral or why we’ve spent our lives feeling like we’re somehow getting everything wrong.

Sometimes we need space to grieve the years spent not understanding ourselves.

And sometimes we need to look at what we can do on Tuesday morning when we’re overwhelmed, the washing is piling up and we’ve got an important email we’ve been avoiding for three weeks.

Both matter.

We can understand the past while making life in the present more manageable.

Solution-focused work doesn’t mean rushing someone through their pain or pretending everything has an easy answer.

It means recognising that people may also need hope, direction, choices and something practical to hold on to.

Small steps. And I mean genuinely small.

I’m not talking about taking an enormous goal and dividing it into five slightly less enormous goals.

I’m talking about making something manageable enough that you have a realistic chance of doing it.

Perhaps the goal is to sort your finances.

That might feel enormous.

So we start with opening the banking app.

Or finding one letter.

Or writing down one question you need answered.

Perhaps even that’s too much today.

Okay. What would make it easier?

Could we do part of it together? Could you ask someone to sit alongside you? Do you need a different time of day? Is there something making the task feel threatening?

And if it doesn’t happen?

We get curious.

We don’t automatically label it avoidance, resistance or a lack of commitment.

We explore what got in the way.

A solution that looks brilliant on paper and doesn’t work in your actual life isn’t the right solution yet.

And there’s no shame in changing it.

The right therapist matters. More than you might realise.

I say this regularly.

I’m not the right therapist for everyone.

And that’s absolutely fine.

There are some wonderful therapists out there who work very differently from me.

Some people love a quiet, reflective space where the therapist says very little.

Others want interaction, explanations, creativity, humour, gentle challenge and someone who can help them untangle the chaos.

Neither is wrong.

For someone with ADHD, finding a therapist who understands neurodivergence, or is genuinely willing to learn about your individual experience, can make an enormous difference.

Someone who doesn’t automatically interpret interruptions as disrespect.

Who understands that forgetting something doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t important.

Who recognises that inconsistency isn’t always a lack of effort.

Who can adapt the pace, language and structure of sessions.

Who understands that sometimes you need to move, doodle, fidget or look away to concentrate.

Who doesn’t expect you to communicate in one particular way.

And perhaps most importantly, someone you feel comfortable telling when something isn’t working.

You deserve a therapeutic relationship where you don’t have to spend the entire session masking.

How I work at Wildfire

I’m Louise, a psychotherapist and counsellor, and I’m certainly not your traditional blank-slate therapist.

I’m down to earth, curious, creative and passionate about supporting people in ways that make sense to them.

I bring professional training, years of experience and lived experience into my understanding of people.

That doesn’t mean I assume I know what your experience is like.

Your ADHD is yours. Your history is yours. Your needs are yours.

And that’s where we start.

We might spend a session exploring something painful from childhood.

We might look at rejection sensitivity, relationships, shame or the exhausting pressure to keep everyone happy.

We might use creative approaches, visual exercises, practical problem-solving or good old-fashioned conversation.

We might explore how to make daily life feel less overwhelming.

And yes, I’ll answer questions.

I’ll explain why I’m suggesting something.

I’ll share ideas where appropriate.

I’ll challenge you when I think it might be helpful, and I’ll welcome you challenging me too.

You don’t have to arrive with a perfectly organised list of problems.

You don’t even need to know what you want to work on.

We can figure that out together.

My job isn’t to make you fit into therapy. It’s to work with you to find a therapeutic approach that fits you.

One last thought…

If you’ve tried therapy before and come away feeling frustrated, misunderstood or as though you didn’t do it properly, please don’t assume therapy isn’t for you.

Perhaps that particular approach wasn’t what you needed.

Perhaps the relationship wasn’t quite right.

Perhaps you needed more explanation, more structure, more flexibility or more collaboration.

And perhaps your needs have changed since then.

There’s no single right way to do therapy.

And there’s certainly no single right way to have ADHD.

You are allowed to ask questions.

You are allowed to want answers.

You are allowed to want practical help.

You are allowed to say something isn’t working.

You are allowed to want to understand yourself AND find ways to make life easier.

Because sometimes understanding why is the beginning of finding out how.

And that, for me, is where some really meaningful work can happen.

If you’re looking for a therapist who works a little differently, I offer online therapy and ADHD-informed support, with space for both the deeper stuff and the practical everyday challenges.

You can find out more or arrange an introductory chat at:

www.wildfirecounsellingtherapy.co.uk

Take gentle care,
Louise x

Wildfire Counselling & Therapy